Mother's Day

A while back, a friend asked me what the point of a blog was. I said that everyone uses them for different reasons but I do one because 1) it's easier to keep our family updated on the things going on with the kids. This way I don't have to tell the same story over and over or worry about sending tons of pictures out etc. and 2) I SUCK at keeping a journal, so I sort of use it for that purpose. (Our church is BIG on keeping journals.) This post is sort of a mixture of both I guess.
Today was a day that, to be completely honest, I'm glad is over. In the past, Chris has always tried to keep me busy so that I don't have time to really sit and think long enough to get sad. However, this year I had to work. I had a full 8 hours last night to work myself up into a hysterical, tear streaked, self-pitying mess. I miss my mama. She was all that I had for most of my life and then suddenly one day, without any real warning, she was gone. It's just not "supposed" to happen this way. Yes I know most people lose a parent at some point. But your parents aren't supposed to die at 39 years old. I'll admit, I haven't ever really dealt with it and I don't know that I ever will. I just don't even know where to begin that process. Church didn't exactly help either. I was all good listening to my kids sing in sacrament meeting. Thinking "Ok, I can do this. This day isn't going to be so bad" And then the talks started... I think it was at the "I don't know how I would be able to raise my kids without calling my mom for advice" part that I completely lost it and gave up all hope of making it through the meeting without a full on "ugly cry" (you know the cry where you can't breath and your face gets all red and twisted up). When we got home, I was looking for something for Shelby and found my high school yearbook. I turned to my Sr. page and found the message my mom had written. (just click on it to enlarge the pic if you're just dying to read it)I decided to post it on here because I'll re-read the blog more often than I'll ever dig the old yearbook out. Sitting here now, thinking over the day, I keep going back to October 9, 2001. I don't think you can really understand a parents love until you become one yourself. I'll never forget the moment that it hit me that the love that I felt for my daughter, was the exact love my mom felt for me. I think that epiphany, at that exact moment, was Heavenly Father's way of letting me know that she was there, even though not physically. I've had to remind myself of that over the years. It's funny how the Lord works some times. I'm not going to say that this note made my day all better, but it definitely helped me to suck things up a little and enjoy the good things about it.
Now ya'll (I gave up on trying to break the "ya'll" habit) know that I'm a sucker for a homemade present from my kids. This years presents made me laugh so hard. Shelby made me an "antique vase" and wrote me a love note. Her note was very sweet and heartfelt. And apparently I can "make the grumpyest person in the world laff". Yes well, she makes me "laff"!!
Morgan made me a Recipe book. (She has the same teacher that Shelby had last year, so now I have Volume 2. haha)

Morgans Entry:

Preston made a flower out of his hand prints and answered a few questions about me. 1)What does your mom say to you?- "Do your chores" 2) What is your mom's favorite color? "blue" (I hate most shades of blue lol) 3)What is your mom good at? "Exercising" (well.. obviously hahahahahaha) 4)What does your mom do when you are not around? "Sleep. She works" 5) What do you love most about your mom? "Her hugs"I love my babies. I love each of their little personalities. I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I've had to be at home with them and watch them grow and discover new things. And even though there are days that I miss just being "Jana", I wouldn't trade being "Mommy" for anything in the entire world.